Books by Dr. M
Getting to Know the Real You: 50 Fun Quizzes Just for Girls
Teens
— February 1, 2026 —
Do you sometimes feel ugly? I feel like everyone is sooo pretty. They are all amazing and everyone looks at them and are like Wow! They look at me and they are like Ugh. Sometimes I feel like I should get a makeover.
— Alme, 15
Even beautiful people don't like their appearance sometimes. Get a group of friends together and have fun trying interesting ways to explore and vary your wardrobe, try new hairstyles, makeup, and jewelry. With your parent's permission, maybe you can even swap items with each other. Keep the emphasis positive and make the whole thing fun!
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— December 12, 2025 —
Okay, so I sent a question yesterday, and now I'm writing with another question—already things have changed. I stopped hanging out with a friend because she vapes at school, and I didn't want to be associated with that stuff. But then I brought her back in because I really liked this boy. She gave me his number and told me that he "likes me." So, I wrote a very long message expressing my feelings towards him and later he responded by saying: "I don't know what this friend told you, but I like you as a friend—your friend wanted me to shut you down in front of everyone—but I'm not that kind of person. I don't share your feelings, basically I just want to be friends." So now I don't know what to do. I'm now heartbroken. What should I do? I didn't tell anyone in my family about this because they don't know what happens at school. Please help!
— Merry, 14
It's time for making new friends who wouldn't set you up and betray you. In terms of the boy you like, my advice is to listen to him—he is telling you that he wants to be your friend. If you can handle that without romantic entanglements, tell him that you're open to friendship without anything more. If you can't bear being just his friend, be honest with him and start to look elsewhere for romance. Consider telling a family member, even an extended family member—someone you can trust because of their kindness and understanding. You need someone who gets what you're going through.
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— October 27, 2025 —
I'm an eighth grader, and the school took away our free court time during recess. The problem arose because two students fought on the court. I don't think it's fair that I'm missing out on this time. How can we resolve this? This issue will be resolved with the school coordinator.
— CourtGuy. 14
It's not fair that a fight between two students caused all the students to lose the privilege of playing during recess. Tell the school coordinator that you've come up with a fairer solution—bench the two fighters for a reasonable period. Then the rest of the students who had nothing to do with the fight could go back to playing during recess. It would be more effective if you gathered a group of students to see the coordinator all together. Plan your strategy as a group to increase your chances for a successful outcome.
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— August 23, 2025 —
Hello! Thank you for taking the time to read my question. I am writing to you since I've been feeling rather distressed lately, because of my grandparents' incredibly overt favoritism towards my cousins. This is not something new; it comes from my grandparents' preference for my aunt's children over my father's and everyone knows this. I don't believe this pattern will ever change either: my siblings and I have been considered lesser from birth, my mother through marriage and my father through goodness knows what, I cannot think of a valid enough reason not to love him. The same applies to my brother and siblings. Evidently, I can love anyone save myself, contradictory to the wise notion: "You cannot pour from an empty cup."
I believe I'm rambling so I'll get to the point: I feel terribly inferior and inadequate in the light of my cousins' perceived perfection, feeling unloved and unworthy to a sad extent. I try to view them as flawed individuals, though it is largely difficult and invasive to do, with their beauty, grace, astounding accomplishments across various fields and general good form that is impossible not to adore. We are further thrust into comparison because we are both girls and nearly the same age; I cannot count the number of times my housekeeper, gardener, other relatives and even parents have declared them perfect twin-like angels. It's not that I'm envious—dear me, no!—only desolate and miserly that I cannot measure up, despite my friends insisting I'm something of a genius, which I don't believe is a word that could ever be associated with me.
I'm sensitive and vulnerable and wish I possessed my cousins' impressive composure. There are times I wish I could be somebody else—anybody else—that I could be bound for an admirable future as an engineer, over whimsy dreams of being an author whose stories will be cherished by generations after I'm no longer here, all so I could experience being loved similarly, though I find art far more appealing to my soul than mathematics and sciences, despite being essential. Forgive me: my thoughts are messy and I hope you wouldn't mind me babbling away. It's just that I'm far more comfortable with written text over vocalization, for I can actually form coherent speech then. Forgive me also if I'm being ungrateful: I am aware there are problems far worse off for people my age to worry about.
— MissMassivelySmall, 16
What an unwarranted, mean-spirited burden you and your family bear. Thus, if I am correct, they've made you feel like "an empty cup." That's the sad point of what your grandparents are doing—whether conscious or unconscious—they intend to inflict this on you and your family. So, it's your job to break the cycle of such thinking by getting past it and letting go. This is not "who you are." Your grandparents have had an influence, but they can't define you, only you can do that.
In Zen, there is a story of a student who comes to a teacher. As they embark on their work together, they share tea. The teacher starts pouring tea into a cup for the student and doesn't stop pouring and the student finally says: "Stop, you can't fit any more!" The teacher agrees, explaining to the student that they are just like that—when you know too much, you can't fit any more! So maybe it's okay to be an empty cup, or maybe even better—no cup—then there is no limit in either direction.
I recommend that you begin building a new life by making new friends and connections beyond your toxic family. If any of your siblings and immediate family members are willing to join you, take them with you on this journey. I suggest taking up a particular mindfulness practice where you vow not to "keep" the misery of your relatives active. Practice not talking about them, or their "teachings," or even talking or thinking about the pains they've put you all through—so you can permit yourself to let go and move forward. Discuss this idea with your parents and siblings, too, so that you can support each other's practice.
In terms of making new connections, look for emotional support in the form of a counselor or support group at school or in your community, and seek out new interests and people. Go to community events, take classes that interest you, and look for a hobby or sport where you can meet people and make new friends. I wish you well as you go on this journey to rebuild yourself and your family.
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— July 10, 2025 —
I really liked this boy, so I asked him for his number on Pinterest, but he got so weirded out and made up some fake excuse and claimed he'd reply later. It's been two days and I'm so humiliated. I really thought he liked me and now I feel like no one ever will. I'm so embarrassed and hate myself for asking him. I already have clinical depression and I'm on meds, but I was getting better and now I feel like I'm relapsing. I feel so unlovable because I'm so weird and autistic, he thinks I'm a weirdo now. I thought it was romantic, but he doesn't like me at all now, not even as a friend because he thinks I'm some weird girl with a crush on him. I keep crying about it, I'm even crying as I write this. Please help.
— Ella, 16
That boy you had a crush on didn't reply to your interest in him for a whole host of reasons. You don't know what he was thinking. Focus on your mental health rather than on him. Think of all the people who care about you and pay attention to them. This is a setback for you, but it's typical of the teenage years. Lots of people have autism, but the diagnosis is not all you are. I do think you're brave in reaching out to him, but don't let one bad experience define you.
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— June 18, 2025 —
There's this guy in my grade whose dad recently passed away. My grandma passed away a little over a year ago, and I know how difficult losing someone is. I still think of my grandma every day. I want to comfort him, but I'm not even friends with him. Am I crazy? Someone will mention his dad's passing and all I can wonder is if he's alright. I do not like him like that, I can guarantee that because I've only been thinking about this since I heard about what happened to his dad. Do I just let this pass? I feel so bad for him. I don't know what to do. He's genuinely a nice person too, he doesn't deserve any of this.
— Anonymous, 16
It's never too late to tell someone you heard about his dad passing away and offering your sympathy. That is a kind and thoughtful gesture. Even though you are not friends with him, you're in the same grade as him. Depending upon his reaction, you can tell him about your grandma dying a year ago and you still miss her every single day. Don't dwell on my grandmother; instead, you mention her to let him know you recognize how hard it is losing someone you love.
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— May 4, 2025 —
I missed my best friend's birthday party last weekend. I told her the reason I couldn't come was because I was sick. The truth is that I'd gotten into trouble at school and was given Saturday detention. I was too embarrassed at the time to tell her the truth. I'm not the type who usually gets in trouble. If anything, people tend to see me as a "goody two-shoes." So, I guess I was also afraid she'd find it funny that I'd managed to get myself into such a mess.
I feel guilty about lying to her now. Part of me wonders if I should come clean. But I'm also worried that admitting the truth now will make things super awkward. What do you think I should do?
— Emily, 16
As a teacher myself, I see students get snagged for Saturday detention all the time. Your letter reveals some of the emotional complexities in your life and the challenges you are noticing as you face them. Your sensitivity about the question of whether to tell her the truth or not, means you are ready to more deeply consider important identity questions: Who am I? What do I value?
Feeling guilty about lying to your friend is a good thing because it shows you care about your friend. If your friend would have found it funny, why couldn't you? Let yourself off the hook and have a good laugh at yourself with your best friend! I think you are the one who would have made it super awkward. Think about it for a little while, and when you are ready, I recommend that you should admit the truth. You can be both "perfect" and "imperfect" at the same time, and you don't need to take yourself so seriously. It's good to share a moment of vulnerability with your friend. The most important thing is that you value the truth and accept yourself for who you are—an ongoing journey of evolving as you discover yourself and your values.
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— April 10, 2025 —
I just wish my parents were better to me. Almost every day we have constant fights and it's been taking a toll on my mental health. They often take my phone away because they think I'm "on it too much." I only use it after I'm done with my schoolwork and cleaning! It's also hard for me to vent to them. Whenever I try venting to them, they give me the worst advice, or they just tell me to go away. While I was using my phone, my dad asked me for it. I realized it was late, so I told him I needed to charge it. However, he yelled at me loudly and snatched it from my hand. I tried getting it back, but he took his shoe and threatened me that he would hit me. He thinks what he's doing is right, but I don't feel safe in my own home anymore. Sometimes I have suicidal thoughts because of my parents. I don't know the solution to this, please help me.
— Tina, 14
I'm sorry your parents are not more supportive when you vent to them. Because you're having suicidal thoughts and don't feel safe at home, contact the Suicide Prevention Lifeline by calling 
988 right away. They can provide you with confidential advice and make referrals to local community resources available to you, and perhaps also for your family. If your school has a counselor on staff, I suggest making an immediate appointment, explaining your home situation to her. You should not be alone with your feelings of sadness and fear. Act right away and write back to us about your progress.
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— February 19, 2025 —
My friend and I used to be very close. We went to different high schools this year, and everything was fine until the beginning of the new year. I don't get what happened—she just stopped showing interest in our conversations and started to get distant. She is the type of person who always distances herself for no reason, or for her own ''mental health.'' She always vented to me about really heavy, messed up things and I comforted her all the time. But when I started telling her things, she would say that I needed therapy and that she couldn't help me and would be really rude. I didn't even want her help, I just wanted her to listen to me like I listened to her. I know she probably stopped being friends with me because we go to different schools and she didn't want to put effort into our friendship anymore. That's how she is. She only stayed friends with popular people from our old school. I've heard them talk bad about her behind her back! I feel like all she wants is to be perfect and popular. I messaged her recently just to see if anything changed, but no, nothing. So I've decided to stop trying to be friends. The only problem is that I feel so hurt, even if I did nothing wrong. I've thought really, really hard, but there's nothing I could have done. I don't want to feel hurt. I've tried getting over it but I don't know what to do. I want to cut her off officially, but I don't want to be rude even though she's being so rude to me. I tried not to message her, but I always end up messaging her even though I don't like her anymore. I don't know what's wrong with me.
— Confused, 15
It sounds like you have a good understanding of your friend, and you can't help it but to care and mourn the loss of your relationship. My suggestion to you is to stop messaging her now, and don't worry about "officially" ending the friendship either. Note that she has not given you that courtesy—and it's probably because doing so would be like asking to continue the friendship—and she's made it clear she's not interested. At 15, you have a big future ahead of you. It's time to move forward and put your energy into considering where you are going with your life—a life where you can choose the kinds of people you want around you, and a life where you are doing something you love.
What are the qualities that you value in your friendships? What are the signals you notice from people who have those traits and those who don't? What do you want to do to earn your living when you finish high school, and what are things you love doing that have nothing much to do with work? If you don't have a full concept of these things, make some graphic way to help analyze them. Are there activities can you do now that will move you in that direction? What are your interests? How can you meet friends with the values you appreciate? Do you know people who have a life or work that you admire, and could you interview them to see if you'd actually like to be in their shoes one day? Don't forget the activities that give you joy. Hobbies add balance to your life because they have nothing to do with earning a living (or sometimes hobbies lead to paid work). Furthermore, hobbies can provide opportunities to make new friends, too. Follow the direction of your dreams. Best wishes on your journey.
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— December 21, 2024 —
I live in Brazil. I came to this site on the recommendation of my teacher. My problem is the following: Sometimes I feel like my parents demand a lot from me when it comes to studying and taking care of the house. And I don't know how to feel sometimes. I need a tip on how to deal with this pressure, how to talk to my parents about it, or if it's normal for parents to treat their children like this.
— Jon, 14
Parents have different ways of teaching their children how to contribute to household chores and prioritize school-related activities, such as studying. Most parents use this approach because they want their children to be prepared for the reality of going to college, getting a first job, and basically living independently. Since you feel your parents don't understand your perspective and you don't understand theirs, it's time to talk to your parents. When there's a calm moment in your household, ask them to set aside some time for a conversation with them. They will probably ask you why you want to talk to them, let them know you have questions about schoolwork and responsibilities at home. This approach will give them time to prepare themselves, and you should come prepared with a list of questions and statements that lay out your feelings (for example, you feel very pressured to fit everything into your schedule and that you don't have time for fun time with your friends). Listen to what they have to say and tell them when you disagree. Keep calm and try to keep the conversation positive. Set a time limit for this meeting, and you can have another conversation in a few days or a week.
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— October 27, 2024 —
Thank you so much for your advice column! It's so helpful! I'm really, really scared of growing up and getting older. Anytime someone brings the topic up I feel like I'm about to cry. I'm really scared of death and losing the people I care about. Recently, it was my little sister's 5th birthday, and instead of spending time with her, I spent most of the day hiding in my room crying. I just want to stay a kid forever and not lose the people I care about. Ever since I started high school, my relationship with my family has been getting worse. I feel sad all the time, and sometimes I just don't want to grow up or even be here anymore. Please help me, I just want to stop feeling like this.
— Izzie, 14
Thank you for writing about the value of our advice column. It means a lot to the advisers on this online resource—all of us are volunteers.
I'm sorry that you feel sad so much of the time. You need to find a counselor who can help you learn effective coping strategies. Check out the resources available at school: Is there a psychologist or clinical social worker with whom you can meet regularly? You could also find out if there's a professional available in your community. Many community resources do not charge a fee. A parent might be helpful in contacting such resources. Have you talked to a parent about your fears? If not, it's time to do that.
I am particularly concerned about this part of your letter: "I just don't want to grow up or even be here anymore." It's important that you act right away—you should contact the Suicide Prevention Lifeline by calling 988. Trained counselors offer free and confidential advice.
Please write back and tell us how you're doing.
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— September 22, 2024 —
Everything has just begun to feel like it's going wrong. Small things make me cry so hard. Everything feels ten times as bad as it may actually be—I feel like I have such a responsibility for my parents, family, friends, and I can't deliver. I'm just not good enough.
Please help!
— Panic, 13
It's possible that what you're experiencing is partly due to puberty—hormones. All the changes going on as you become a teenager can do some weird things to your brain and emotions! What you're describing also sounds like it could be depression or maybe anxiety, or maybe both. If you don't know anyone who has experienced that, depression and anxiety can make things seem very scary, or make you feel like you're the only one experiencing these overwhelming feelings. But, I promise you're absolutely not alone. Depression and anxiety are actually really common, it's just that people don't often talk about it. Thankfully that seems to be changing a bit. If you are comfortable talking to your parents about a subject like this, you should tell them at least a little of how you're feeling, and ask them to help you find a mental health professional to talk to. If you are not so comfortable talking with your parents about what you're experiencing, your school might have a psychologist or counselor that you can talk to without having to go through your parents, or you can tell a teacher or another adult in your life whom you trust, and they can help connect you with a therapist.
What you said about things feeling worse than they are shows that you already have an understanding of how your feelings don't always match how things are in reality. So in case you haven't realized it the same thing is also true for your feeling of not being good enough to deliver on your responsibility. It's just a feeling, and that doesn't mean it's true. The fact that you care so much about your family and friends shows that you're a pretty amazing person already.
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— August 24, 2024 —
During the past year I've gotten involved with guys for the first time. I do regret some things I have done, but I have never been in a position I haven't put myself in, in the first place—except for once.
We went to this big party with my friends, and at one point, I was left on my own because my friend was with a guy. I was sitting by myself when a guy came up to me and started singing with me. It was fun until he grabbed me, and started touching me, grabbing my hands to touch him, and grabbing my face trying to kiss me. I tried to let go but I couldn't as he held fast. I said no! over and over again and he didn't care, just kept right on grabbing at me.
I can't say it was traumatic because I genuinely didn't suffer any emotional discomfort beyond that moment. However, I can pinpoint that ever since that happened I haven't been able to kiss my parents (like goodnight on the cheek), and for some reason that bothers them even when I tell them I just don't feel comfortable with it and it's not that I don't love them.
I don't know what to do—my parents are very upset at this. They don't know what happened that night, and I don't feel comfortable enough to tell them. I don't know what to do. I've tried to explain that I just don't like it or don't want to without the intention of hurting them but, with time, it has just gotten worse. I would really appreciate any advice.
— Anna, 17
Even though you don't think of it as "traumatic," it sounds like there is some trauma/emotional discomfort beyond what you felt in the moment since the experience is affecting you on what seems like a daily basis now. Regardless of what you call it, there is an ongoing impact from what happened to you. I would encourage you to talk with a professional counselor who can help you process your thoughts and feelings about the experience. It can also be helpful to talk to one of the various helplines and hotlines, a counselor at school, or an adult friend or family member, and they can be of assistance in locating professional support.
One thing to ask yourself is why you don't feel comfortable telling your parents about what happened. Is it that you think they'll minimize it, or say it's not a big deal and you should just get over it? Or that they'll make too big a deal about it, suggest it was your fault, blame your friends, or want to take some kind of action against the guy? Or might they overwhelm you with their concerns above and beyond your own, or begin to "protect" you by interfering with your autonomy? Figuring out your hesitation about telling your parents and considering their probable reaction in advance may help you find a productive way to approach the subject with them should you decide to do so, or help you resolve your decision if you choose not to.
Ultimately though, it's your body and you get to decide who kisses you and who you kiss, whether it's a guy at a party or your parents, and everyone needs to respect that.
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— August 13, 2024 —
Hi. I'm a guy and consider myself straight, and yet I have the BIGGEST crush on a trans guy at my school. He and I have become really good friends over the past year. I know he likes guys as well as girls because he told me so and I think he may be interested in me, too.
So what's the problem? My parents. They're super-conservative. No way they'll approve of us dating. I really don't want to have to sneak around behind their backs in order to date my friend. At the same time, I can't stand the idea of not asking him out because I really want to give us a shot. So what should I do? I'm really in a dilemma here and don't know what to do.
— Elliot, 15
It sounds like you know who you are and when you feel attracted to someone, which is awesome! However, lots of parents have a hard time accepting their children's sexual expression, let alone when it might fall outside of a perceived norm. And you have a right to explore and figure yourself out separately from your parents' opinions. So here is what I suggest. Don't look for "approval" to date your friend; it's not sneaking around to keep your personal life to yourself. Assuming your friend feels like you do, go ahead and date him. Allow your feelings for him to grow and change, and as they do you will deepen self-knowledge and confidence. Use this experience to develop a positive perspective on your current life and your right to privacy, so you won't be caught off-guard if your parents find out and confront you.
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